All of these myths attempt to excuse the behaviour of the perpetrator and imply they are not responsible for their actions.

Myth: Sexual assaults are committed by strangers.
Fact: The majority of people who commit sexual assaults know their victims and in some cases are relations, friends or work colleagues. Sexual assault can be committed within any type of relationship, including marriage, dating relationships, or by friends, acquaintances, a person you have just met, co-workers or family members.

Myth: Sexual assault is more likely to occur in a public place.
Fact: This is a common misconception especially amongst young adults. Sexual assault can happen anywhere and anytime. Most sexual assaults often occur in private spaces such as homes of the victims or perpetrators.

Myth: Girls and women ask to be sexually assaulted by the way they dress and behave.
Fact: Women and children of all ages, cultures and backgrounds are sexually assaulted. Women may dress in a way to attract or to feel good about themselves but that is different to asking to be sexually assaulted. This is like saying that someone wants to be robbed because they have money in their wallet.

Myth: Rape is a 'spur of the moment' act.
Fact: Most rapists plan carefully in advance, and set up situations so the rape can take place. A rapist is capable of raping again and again.

Myth: Women and children make up stories about being sexually assaulted.
Fact: This is a commonly held belief in the community. But, research suggests only a minority of disclosures of sexual assault are false. Women are more likely to deny or minimise sexual assault experiences than make them up.

Myth: Sexual assault offenders are mentally ill.
Fact: The majority of sexual offenders are not mentally ill. Mental illness does not cause people to sexually offend. Many sex offenders are functioning people in the community, they have jobs, are married, have children. The media often seem to focus on sex offenders who fit the stereotype; they are selective in who they choose to report on. This only helps to maintain the silence on sexual assault. This makes it difficult for people to believe that someone who doesn’t fit that profile could commit sexual offences.

Myth: ‘Alcohol causes rape.’
Fact: Alcohol can reduce inhibitions, but does not remove the responsibility of raping, or justify a victim being raped. ‘Having sex’ with a person too drunk to consent, or asleep or unconscious, is rape.

Myth: Only young women are raped.
Fact: Rape is an act of violence that can happen at any time in a person’s life regardless of age, ethnicity, sexual orientation or gender.

Myth: Only young women are raped.
Fact: For older women elder sexual abuse might be their first experience of sexual violence or a continuation of violence into later life.

https://qsan.org.au/myths-facts/

https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/

Common misconceptions around abusive relationships – and how to switch our thinking

Domestic violence is extremely damaging to victim-survivors, their families and the broader community. While Australians’ attitudes to domestic violence and violence against women are improving, there’s still a great deal of misinformation and mistrust of women’s experiences.

We take a look at some of the misconceptions around domestic violence and abuse in relationships – regardless of the victim or perpetrator’s gender. It’s important to see the whole picture to better understand domestic violence.

Misconception #1: “We shouldn’t get involved in other people’s relationship problems.”

The facts: Most relationship problems can and should be solved by a couple themselves – sometimes with the assistance of a qualified relationship counsellor – but, when it comes to abusive relationships, minding our own business can be dangerous.

Domestic violence is a crime and it should be taken extremely seriously.

Misconception #2: “If it’s that bad, they would have left their partner by now.”

The facts: Choosing to separate from an abusive partner can be one of the most difficult decisions of a victim-survivor’s life. Most people don’t want the relationship itself to end – they just want the violence to stop.

They’re likely to feel scared to leave and worry about what might happen when they do. It can be even more challenging when children are involved, as the time of separation is often when victims and children are at most risk of harm.

These factors mean that, on average, it takes seven attempts for a victim to leave a domestic violence situation. Ending an abusive relationship is simply not as easy as just leaving.

Misconception #3: “They must be bringing it on themself.”

The facts: There’s a harmful narrative that victim-survivors of abuse ‘provoke’ their abusers into using violence and coercion.

It’s true that all couples argue – and that a certain level of relationship conflict can be healthy if it’s expressed appropriately – but using repeated, deliberate, and violent tactics to gain control and power over your partner, including physical and emotional abuse, is unacceptable and inexcusable, not to mention against the law.

Misconception #4: “If they wanted my help, they would have asked for it by now.”

The facts: Victims can keep their abuse a secret from their close friends and family for so many different reasons. They might be ashamed and embarrassed, worry they won’t be believed (sometimes for good reason), or feel that others won’t understand their situation. Sharing the details of their abusive relationship could also put the person and their family in a potentially dangerous situation.

None of these complicated factors means that the abuse should be tolerated by the victim-survivor – or ignored by others.

Misconception #5: “He seems like a really nice guy; I don’t think he could do that.”

The facts: The saying “you never know what goes on behind closed doors” rings alarmingly true in abusive relationships.

People who regularly use violence and abuse are sometimes clever at crafting a charming and likeable front, that enables them to cover up or justify their behaviour. Friends and family can find it hard to accept that someone, who seems so well-mannered and nice, is capable of behaving this way.

Indeed, this ‘nice guy’ is probably the person their partner fell in love with in the first place – and seeing those characteristics shine through outside of the abuse can make it even harder for victim-survivors to leave.

Humans are multi-faceted, and we adapt our personalities to suit different people and situations; just because you haven’t seen someone’s dangerous or abusive side, you shouldn’t assume it doesn’t exist.

Misconception #6: “But they seem so in love.”

The facts: Abusive relationships usually aren’t violent all the time – like all relationships, they can have their ‘good times’.

Domestic violence usually follows a cycle or pattern – moving through a tension-building phase, an abusive phase, and a remorse phase. During the remorse or ‘honeymoon’ phase, the abuser often feels enormous shame and guilt for their actions. They might apologise profusely, make promises to change and shower their partner with love and gifts – before transitioning into the ‘calm’ phase, where the relationship feels relatively stable and normal.

From the outside, this can create the illusion that the couple has the perfect relationship. And within their relationship, many victims understandably want to believe their abusive partner can and will change their ways.

Why do attitudes towards domestic violence matter?

By addressing some of the concerning mistruths and attitudes around domestic violence in intimate relationships, we can ensure victim-survivors are believed, taken seriously and given the space and support they need to forge a better path forward.

If someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or abuse, it’s really important they get support. It may take some time and a great deal of strength, but no one should ever stay in a relationship that’s abusive.

While statistics show that women are most likely to experience domestic violence and abuse, we know that men aren’t immune either. Mensline is available to help men who are experiencing domestic violence, and there are other support services available.

For more advice and help, you can contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732). This is a confidential, national sexual assault, domestic family violence counselling service.